Read: Comedy Sojourn Blog

Intentionally Relevant After All This Time

I’ve been busy with Comedy Creation 101 for awhile.

So the blog hasn’t been updated for awhile.

Apparently,  the blog is relevant even without updates!

This article suggests that the godless have been unsettled since February.

The link is broken to my original post – (This is where it should be.)

Like I said, I’ve been busily working on a comedy writing course.

It has required oodles of intentional thought.

So far, not one word has written itself.

No video has recorded itself.

Nothing has happened apart from my specific will.

Maybe the laws of physics will produce this course in a few billion years.

I don’t want to wait that long.

Since February, nobody has offered an explanation for omelets apart from people.

Nobody has ever offered an intelligent explanation for intelligence apart from other intelligence.

Because there isn’t one.

With great intention, the blog author waxes philosophical about the difference between unintended and random.

The comment section contains the usual accolades from the sycophantic heathen.

Some delightful back and forths about my wretchedness.

And it all came about from an article I thought was long forgotten!

But the truth doesn’t go away.

It will haunt you.

Push it away with both hands.

Plug your ears.

Bury your head in The God Delusion.

There are no omelets without people.

There are no people without God.

Comedy Sojourn Podcast

New podcast is up!

This week, I travel the world. Starting out on the bus with Tim Hawkins’ crew I expose the inner secrets of Poddy Break. We’ll peer behind the curtain to reveal the truth about this alleged ‘off the cuff’ phenomenon.  I try to figure out what Trigonometry is used for too.  We field a few questions from listeners for the Poddy Break gang.  We discuss children’s artwork. Tim confesses that he always thought he was great at everything.
Apparently, Eskimos have 100 definitions for snow but we have no proof of that. I’m criticized for my pronunciation of ‘era’. Robots are worse but nobody criticizes them. Tim is worried about artificial intelligence. We wind down the first part of the Poddy Break episode when we wake Freight up. I’ve got some criticism for these guys, but you’ll have to listen to Poddy Break to hear it.  (We’re overlapping episodes!! How cool is that!) Then things fall off the rails and I switch off the recorder for awhile…
The recording from my show in West Virginia is totally awful. Can’t use it.  I did capture a short exchange with a guy in the audience though. He talks about farts. (To be clear, I started it…). It’s inspirational.
I’ve got a few things to discuss with Carl on the way home from West Virginia. (God, Evil, toll booths and Pop Tarts).
Then…we finalize the Poddy Break episode. It’s pretty noisy on the bus…sorry. Couldn’t do much to fix the audio.
We talk about cats, chickens, and Bob Ross. Plus, what’s the best thing to watch when you want to fall asleep?

Don’t Fall In Love

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We don’t understand love.

You talk about falling in love as if it actually happens.

As if love is ditch or pit that is unwittingly plummeted into.

How romantic.

Long-term relationships brought about by clumsiness.

Love is for the klutzy.

Intimacy is for the inept.

Any nitwit can fall.

All you need is gravity.

(Love can’t happen in outer space.)

On Earth, where this is being written, falling is easy.

Effortless.

And usually, unintentional.

Nobody says, “I hope I fall downstairs.”

Nobody speaks wistfully of falling out of bed.

But fall in love…everyone congratulates you.

You’ll even take credit for the event.

“He fell for me.”

Hopefully, a little of the fall was on purpose.

You don’t want anyone loving you against their will.

You don’t want an Anniversary card that reads:

“To the one, I could not avoid.”

Love takes work.

Love is a choice.

It’s not a force of nature.

You don’t fall in love.

You jump into love.

On purpose.

How Humility Complicates Everything

 

I’m sorry.

This is probably none of my business.

I’m not trying to start an argument.

Nothing personal.

And I could be wrong.

I’m wrong a lot!

I make mistakes all the time!

Who am I to think I know anything about you?

I’m not presuming anything.

I don’t have my own life together.

In fact, I’m in counseling three times a week.

I’ve got several prescriptions for anxiety.

I failed geometry in high school.

I’m not perfect.

Not even close!

I’m not better than you.

And I know I haven’t lived your life.

I don’t know your journey.

Don’t know your struggles.

So I would never judge you!

I would never condemn you!

You are a beautiful human being.

You are strong.

I acknowledge your intrinsic worth.

I’m being too aggressive.

This is all on me.

I’m completely out of line here.

This is TOTALLY my fault.

Please forgive me…

…your shoe is untied.

1 Reason

Apparently, Netflix is offering 13 Reasons to kill yourself.

That’s really going above and beyond.

Who needs that many reasons?

Nobody makes a list of pros and cons of suicide.

“I want to kill myself, but I’ve got a fridge full of left-over lasagna…”

No number of reasons makes killing yourself… reasonable.

You don’t need any reasons to be irrational.

All emotional crises are unplanned.

When you put a breakdown on the calendar…that’s called a ‘vacation’.

Netflix only needed one reason to create “13 Reasons”.

Ratings.

And the ratings are through the roof!

Congrats, Netflix!

The grand irony is…

…there aren’t even 13 reasons to watch “13 Reasons”.

There is only one.

Entertainment.

It’s not useful for real life.

I’m sure this is true because it’s popular.

Most culturally popular things can be safely disregarded.

Because our culture is very good at finding wretched, vile, unholy things…

…and falling in love with them.

We equate fame with virtue.

We derive truth by consensus.

Our ethics are practiced when convenient.

So slowly we’ve siphoned our souls away.

Hope gets traded for despair.

Desperation makes for excellent television.

And it makes some people want to kill themselves.

No Funeral For A Dead Raccoon

I killed a raccoon last weekend.

Actually, the raccoon killed himself.

I was merely the instrument of suicide.

The varmint vamoosed across the road at exactly the right time.

Half a second sooner or later and there would be nothing to write about.

The timing was so precise it had to be intentional.

Perhaps the raccoon’s personal struggles finally broke him.

It was dark so I couldn’t see his face.

I couldn’t tell if he’d been crying.

(Plus, he was wearing a mask.)

Perhaps I’m wrong and it was totally accidental.

Perhaps it was just chance.

Evolution has not yet gifted raccoons with the ability to avoid speeding vehicles.

Nature used me and my car to remove some stupidity from the gene pool.

Science killed that critter!

After the incident, my wife asked, “Are you going to turn around and go see it?”

No.

Two wheels and two bumpers at 50 miles an hour is a confirmed kill.

There is no reason to return to the scene.

And I remembered another story.

Two little kids were playing in the street when my mother drove past.

She stopped the car and got out.

She asked the kids where they lived.

She marched them up to the house, knocked on the door and talked to the adult that answered.

Back in the car, Mom told me those kids “were too little to play in the street by themselves”.

Mom wasn’t much for science.

Her humanity wouldn’t let ‘nature take its course’.

There are other forces at work in the universe besides nature.

If you don’t believe me…

…I can show you a dead raccoon.

 

Hail To The King!

On Resurrection Sunday it is appropriate to pay homage to the King!

An unsung patriarch who isn’t mentioned in the major historical references of his time period.

After his death, three centuries pass before he is mentioned.

A King who’s life is filled with legends and myths.

King Arthur.

Almost everybody believes Arthur existed despite the scant evidence confirming him.

Because believing in King Arthur is risk-free.

It’s appropriate to talk about another King today.

This king has a much harder time convincing people He lived.

Despite mountains of historical, scientific, and circumstantial evidence,

Jesus doesn’t even get credit for ever being alive.

Because Jesus is different from Arthur.

Jesus won’t allow neutrality.

The story of Jesus changes everything.

Jesus conquered death.

Jesus destroyed sin.

Jesus built a bridge to God.

Jesus explained the source of life itself.

Arthur supposedly pulled a magic sword from a stone.

Much simpler to believe.

No consequences for disbelief.

Centuries later, there are no ‘Arthurians’ gathering to worship.

But there are billions of Christians thanking God for resurrecting Jesus.

Why?

Because Jesus, like Arthur, really did live.

Like Arthur, He really did die.

Unlike Arthur, He lived again.

This is confirmed by multiple sources from the actual time of Jesus.

Confirmed by multiple non-Christian sources.

Confirmed by millions of changed lives.

Happy Easter!

Who Deserves The Wrath of God?

You gotta be pretty bad to upset God, right?

He’s not gonna pour out His wrath for minor offenses.

Just the big sinsWrat

Like murder.

And rape.

And attempted murder.

And some forms of assault.

Like child abuse.

And spouse abuse.

Including the emotional and psychological kind.

And human trafficking.

And animal abuse.

Or extreme cruelty to any living creature.

Actually, any kind of cruelty. Doesn’t need to be extreme.

Stealing is cruel.

Apathy is cruel.

Indifference to the plight of the poor is cruel.

So thoughtlessness deserves God’s wrath.

And if we’re going to say ‘thoughtlessness’, we should include greed too.

And prejudice.

And bigotry.

And hatefulness.

And lying.

And cheating.

And dishonesty.

And arrogance.

The answer to the question, “Why did Jesus need to die?” is…

…to save you from the ‘big sins’ you’ve committed.

That’s why this is ‘Good Friday’.

We Don’t Go Together Like Worms

God made man.

He told man, “This garden is yours! Go where you want!”

And the man said, “Thanks. I’m just gonna sit on this couch.”

So God decided it is not good for man to be alone.

Even though man really likes being alone.

God made man a companion.

A woman!

She said, “We’re not just gonna sit around on this couch! We’re going out!”

“Let’s go eat at that cute tree the snake told me about…”

Despite the differences, men and women are good together.

Man and Woman are necessary for creating more men and women.

A fact that is enormously inconvenient and inefficient.

Earthworms are both male and female.

It’s like God said, “It is not good for worm to be alone. I will make an exact copy.”

A narcissistic dream!

One worm asks, “How do I look?”

An appropriate response is, “Look at me.”

It seems like a more efficient system for procreating.

When a worm says, “Not tonight, I have a headache.”

The partner can say, “Okay. You can be the guy!”

There’s no reason humans should have evolved into two distinct sexes.

Except that God knew it would make things more interesting.

It’s not good for man to be alone.

But he doesn’t need another dude next to him on the couch.