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The Reason You Should NOT Fear Russia

Short version of this story:

Drunk guy climbs over fence into bear cage.

Bears chew off his arm.

Everyone admits it was a bad idea.

It is suggested the bear’s owner pay the guy because he’s now disabled.

The most encouraging part of this story: it happened in Russia!

If you’ve been concerned about Russian influence in America…

…relax.

We’ve already influenced Russia.

Obviously, they’ve been spying on us.

They’ve hacked our crybaby culture.

It’s only a matter of time before they become…

…a nation full of victims.

(This was probably Trump’s idea all along!)

Selfishness is a powerful weapon of mass destruction.

Expecting a Cafe’ owner to pay for bear related injuries is amateur level victimhood.

Russians are smart, though.

They’ll figure it out.

When they start demanding payment for:

  • insult to dignity
  • crying
  • “mental rape”
  • feeling stupid
  • loss of pride

…we know our plan is working.

When people actually GET PAYED for these grievances…

…the USSR goes down the tubes.

Of course, we won’t be around to celebrate.

Because we unleashed this weapon on ourselves decades ago.

3 Things Donald Trump Does NOT Need To Do

(DISCLAIMER: No reason to read this one if you don’t identify as Christian.)

Okay, several of my fellow Christians are clueless about the role of POTUS.

(Also, several of you had to Google ‘POTUS’.)

I’m responsible to let you know when you’re being an idiot  judgment is faulty.

Your criticisms of Donald Trump are unreasonable bordering on hysterical.

Here are 3 thing you must stop demanding Donald Trump do.

Publicly condemn acts of violence.

Everyone who wasn’t raised by wolverines understands that violence is wrong.

If the President never mentions his disdain for murder, we all know it’s wrong to kill people.

“Hey, we should stop stabbing this guy!  I just read a tweet from the President!”

We all know driving a car into a crowd of people is wrong.

Even the guy who drove a car into a crowd of people knows it’s wrong.

(You watch.  During the trial, his defense lawyer will not say, “He killed a lady, what’s the big deal?”)

But here’s something the Holy Spirit has revealed to you but you weren’t listening:

If the President never mentions his disdain for murder, it doesn’t mean he’s pro-murder!

It is impossible to specifically condemn all evil.

Give the rest of us a little credit for being able to figure out what’s right and wrong without Trump’s help.

Publicly declare his Christianity.

If you need Trump’s faith to line-up with your own…

…God help you.

The President is a busy guy.

He’s not your pastor.

It’s not his job to provide you with daily devotionals.

Can you comprehend that not everyone in the United States is a Christian?

(Like, white supremacists for example…)

Imagine a future America with an outspoken atheist in the Oval Office.

Would it be cool hearing the President rail against Christianity at every press conference?

It isn’t Donald Trump’s responsibility to share the gospel.

It’s yours.

Apologize to people he doesn’t know.

Donald Trump doesn’t personally know everyone in the country.

(This is something you and he have in common!)

Your outrage about Trump’s tweets is misplaced.

He does not owe you an apology.

Differing opinions are not hate.

You know this, right?

Are you being “hateful” when you express your loathing of Donald Trump?

This is most important:

Apologies are for the person GIVING them, not for the person receiving them.

Nothing frees YOUR soul like an apology!

A sincere apology clears YOUR conscience and brightens YOUR outlook.

If you’re bitterly waiting for Trump to throw himself on the mercy of your court…

…you ought to apologize.

LET ME BE CLEAR

I’m no supporter of Donald Trump.

He is not going to solve any of my critical problems.

He doesn’t have the power to change my heart.

And I’m grateful for that.

How To Know Who To Kill

We agree that cold blooded killings should be rare, right?

If driving your car into crowds of people is something you do often…

…you need to be more introspective.

(That means, consider your motives and thoughts.)

Let’s conduct a little thought experiment.

Suppose you hear that somebody intentionally drove a car into a crowd of people.

Is your first reaction horror and dismay?

OR

Do you first ask, “Was it a crowd of Nazis?”

Because that is the kind of question…

…a Nazi would ask.

Tribalism is not morality.

If you make exceptions to your opposition of hate…

…YOU DON’T REALLY OPPOSE HATE.

 

You are an advocate of hate when it serves YOUR purposes.

That’s called evil.

If violence is wrong when Nazis use it…

…it’s wrong when YOU use it too.

As your sitting in your car, revving the engine, peering at a mob of white supremacists…

…vile, wretched, bigoted, hateful, white supremacists…

…ask yourself this question:

“If I was in a crowd demonstrating against the alt-right and a Nazi was behind the wheel…

…what should that Nazi to do?”

The answer exposes your true beliefs.

Refusing to acknowledge the answer exposes your true character.

And blaming a politician for any of it is psychotic.

The Correct Way To Quit The Church

I ran away from home when I was 6 years old.

Fed up with my parent’s oppression.

They always told me what to do.

“Get to bed, Mister!”

They told me how to think.

“Be respectful of grown-ups!”

They even told me how to feel.

“Boys don’t hit girls! You should be ashamed!”

Full of indignation, I packed a suitcase.

I told mom, “I’m running away!”

Then I headed out the door.

Away from the authoritarian prison I once called home.

I hoped Mom would come to her senses and stop me.

Scamper across the lawn, throw herself at my feet and beg me to forgive her.

But she didn’t.

So I kept walking.

All the way to the edge of the front yard.

I stopped there because I wasn’t allowed to cross the street.

I sat on the curb next to my suitcase and ate crackers all morning.

If you’ve decided to run away from religion, make a plan first!

Before you leave, figure out where you’re going to go.

Running AWAY from home means running TOWARD someplace else.

I get it. You’re angry.

The God of the Bible always telling you what to do!

Always trying to change you!

Enough already!

You’re leaving!

Some church people beg you to stay.

They apologize for being close-minded, bigoted and insensitive.

It feels good when they grovel but you’re still angry.

So you leave.

…to sit on the curb eating crackers.

You blog about your ‘journey’ while you’re still in the front yard.

Get a map and figure out where you’re gonna go after you leave Christianity.

But I’ll warn you (because I’m thoughtful and kind)…

…you’re headed into a wasteland.

Nothing beats the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Saying, “I’m not religious” doesn’t cut it.

It makes you a petulant 6-year old with a suitcase.


 

As a result of this many of His disciples withdrew and were not walking with Him anymore.  So Jesus said to the twelve, “You do not want to go away also, do you?”  Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life.  We have believed and have come to know that You are the Holy One of God.” (John 6:66)

Afraid of Tim Hawkins and The Evils of Multi-Level Marketing

THIS EPISODE: Meet a girl who is terrified by Tim Hawkins. Plus, Peaches and I discuss the sinister evil that is Multi-Level Marketing and the impact it is having on stupid people.
I catch a ride from the airport from a young lady who is afraid of Tim Hawkins. I’ll try to help her deal with this unusual phobia.
Peaches sets me straight on the difference between leggings and Spanx. I’m not sure she’s correct but I don’t have data to refute her. The entire concept of tight undergarments seems dishonest to me.
The multi-level marketing phenomena is apparently destroying the finances AND the spiritual welfare of western culture. Maybe I’m overreacting, but I don’t think so. The Peaches reads an article from a hapless woman who has been victimized by the promise of profits.
It is difficult to earn a lot of money in an MLM because…it’s difficult to earn a lot of money PERIOD. It may not be because MLM is evil…but let’s just assume it is.
It seems that good business practice is important, even if you’re doing MLM. The profits aren’t automatic. Huh. That comes as a complete surprise!
Generally speaking, people who are trying to sell you something are not always the most reliable counselors about whether or not you should buy that something. In other words, salespeople don’t usually give unbiased financial advice. More evil!
Peaches tells about the time a can of air freshener almost cost her twelve hundred bucks.
Some words of advice, Pkarlgh, when someone gets you to say “yes” several times in a row, hang on to your checkbook.
I talk a little bit about a pair of marooned women who smoked a lot of cigarettes and left me to watch their car.
There are some people who believe that wealth has NOTHING to do with activities. Some people believe that money falls out of the sky randomly. These people get mad at the universe (or “rich people”) because they’re horrible managers of money.
I can’t figure out why drug dealers seem to live in slums when drugs bring in A LOT of money.
Then I tell a story about the time I quit my job. I’m not telling the story to make you think I’m awesome, Pkarlgh. I’m just telling you what tends to happen when you have a good work ethic.  FREE GASOLINE!
Peaches explains why women are not good employees. (If you aren’t totally insulted, I think you’ll agree with what she says.) If you work at Google, you might disagree.
Priorities matter. You can be rich if you prioritize it, but it’s going to cost you something.
Peaches explains how insurance works to Cami (who is 6 years old).
Then I check back with the girl who is afraid of Tim to find out if she has conquered her fears after actually meeting him.

Check out this episode!

The Shameful Reason People Follow Jesus

The cynics have figured it out.

They understand why people convert to Christianity.

I’ve seen the gleeful declarations in a million blog comments.

“Jesus is a crutch!”

“Christians use religion to ease their consciences.”

“People convert because they feel guilty.”

Inexplicably, Christians argue with these statements.

These are the ONLY true things pagans ever say about religious faith.

There is no reason to become a Christian if you’re perfect.

Thinking Christians understand this…

…and celebrate it.

If you are a Christian for any reason other than your own vulgar sin…

…ask God for wisdom.

Because you’re an imposter.

If you are NOT a Christian because you hate hypocrisy …

…you’re a hypocrite.

You should ask God for wisdom too.

But you won’t.

You don’t need wisdom.

You mock the wisdom of the gospel.

Even after describing it perfectly!

“People follow Jesus because they’re weak!”

Yes! You nailed it!

I’m also afraid!

Without Jesus, I’d be just like you.

That terrifies me.

I’d be an arrogant, boorish, sanctimonious fool.

Which is why…

…thank God…

…I became a Christian.

Watch The ‘Science Guy’ Implode

Bill Nye plays a smart guy on T.V.

He plays the role well enough that some people believe he’s an actual authority on all things ‘science’.

Here, Nye weighs in on one of my favorite topics, the existence of free will.

(By ‘weighs in’ I mean he says words after being asked about the topic.)

Hard core fans of Bill Nye probably didn’t notice that he never answers the question.

Instead, he furrows his brow and talks about brain scans.

So I am so compelled by these tests where they have brain scans going on, working real time, and then the subject is asked to make a choice. And they can see on the brain scan that the choice has already been made before the person is able to articulate it …

I’ll put this in layman’s terms for you Bill Nye fans:

“Hogwash.”

Is Nye looking at a brain scan or a crystal ball?

This is a brain scan.

 

You think Bill Nye can tell us what this brain is thinking?

I don’t.

And even if he COULD read these thoughts…

…it says NOTHING about free will.

So Nye says more science-sounding things.

So in other words if there really were absolutely no free will could you then predict what every single person in the universe or on Earth is going to do and where he or she will end up. And then furthermore can that not be influenced by some cosmic force or forces that we can’t assess? It could be. It just doesn’t seem reasonable.

For you Bill Nye fans, let me summarize:

“Bollocks.”

He has simply defined what it would mean if free will doesn’t exist.

Which wasn’t the question.

Then he explains that it “doesn’t seem reasonable” that there might exist “cosmic forces we can’t assess”.

Why is that unreasonable?

We can’t assess the forces inside our own heads (see brain scan above).

But Billy saved the funniest line for last:

I think much more reasonable is: our brains are complicated, and they got this big or as big as they are organically through evolution, with layer being added upon layer.
So our ability to choose is often confused. Our ability to make choices is often affected by the environment, by our experiences and by biochemistry, the shape of our brain. So I think the answer is clearly “some of each.”

Our brains are complicated!

That’s a profound insight, Science Guy.

Of course, evolution is the most reasonable explanation.

When Nye says “evolution” he means a cosmic force that we can’t assess.

Bear in mind that our ability to make choices is affected by environment, experiences, biochemistry and even the shape of our brains!

So clearly the answer to whether or not we have free will is…

…some of each.

Brilliant.

No wonder atheists are so smug.

The Message That I Don’t Want You To Hear

Sometimes I give the sermon at my church.

This one is from Romans 12:3-8

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your[a]faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead,[b] do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.”

To summarize…

Don’t think too highly of yourself.

The church doesn’t need warts.

Your ministry isn’t better than any other.

Don’t bully people with your abuse.

Talk about blessings instead of abuses.

And in the body of Christ, somebody has to be a sweat gland.

Choose Your Own Zucchini

Don’t let The Pope tell you how to garden!

He is completely out of touch with modern horticultural trends.

In the dark ages*, when people planted tomatoes, they reaped tomatoes.

Vegetables were assigned biologically based labels.

Oppressive, bigoted, biological labels.

Apparently, The Pope still lives in the dark ages.

A vegetable growing on a tomato vine isn’t ALWAYS a tomato.

Plants are more than their physical make-up.

So much more.

I have the right to decide for myself which vegetables I’m growing.

My garden, my choice.

Small minded bigots WILL NOT define my zucchini for me!

I’m so open-minded, I grow pumpkins on corn stalks.

I grow carrots on apple trees.

I’ve even got a chicken that lays watermelon.

I’m free from the stifling affects of logic.

Reality is whatever ‘feels right’.

It’s very freeing!

I’m choosing the vegan life-style now!

(What some call ‘pork chops’, I call ‘kale’.)

I eat whatever I want and STILL feel morally superior to everyone else.

Including the Pope!

The tidal wave of anti-intellectualism raging across America isn’t all bad.

I’m gonna feel really good about myself as I drown.


 

*I choose to define the  ‘dark ages’ as ‘all times before today’.

Comedy Sojourn – John Crist! And Abused People Who Abuse People

In This Episode: I’m in the Green Room with John Crist. And the Peaches and I discuss victims.

Tabby meets John Crist backstage. John tells us the secret to the Dollar Shave Club’s success. Then pitches a product.  You can see John’s stuff here: http://www.johncristcomedy.com

There are a lot of abused people. The number is growing all the time. In fact, it’s getting out of hand!  Peaches and I talk about abusers and victims.

You can see my super-offensive blog posts here:  http://www.johnbranyan.com/please-god-give-me-illness/

Check out this episode!