Read: Comedy Sojourn Blog

Don’t Fall In Love


We don’t understand love.

You talk about falling in love as if it actually happens.

As if love is ditch or pit that is unwittingly plummeted into.

How romantic.

Long-term relationships brought about by clumsiness.

Love is for the klutzy.

Intimacy is for the inept.

Any nitwit can fall.

All you need is gravity.

(Love can’t happen in outer space.)

On Earth, where this is being written, falling is easy.


And usually, unintentional.

Nobody says, “I hope I fall downstairs.”

Nobody speaks wistfully of falling out of bed.

But fall in love…everyone congratulates you.

You’ll even take credit for the event.

“He fell for me.”

Hopefully, a little of the fall was on purpose.

You don’t want anyone loving you against their will.

You don’t want an Anniversary card that reads:

“To the one, I could not avoid.”

Love takes work.

Love is a choice.

It’s not a force of nature.

You don’t fall in love.

You jump into love.

On purpose.

How Humility Complicates Everything


I’m sorry.

This is probably none of my business.

I’m not trying to start an argument.

Nothing personal.

And I could be wrong.

I’m wrong a lot!

I make mistakes all the time!

Who am I to think I know anything about you?

I’m not presuming anything.

I don’t have my own life together.

In fact, I’m in counseling three times a week.

I’ve got several prescriptions for anxiety.

I failed geometry in high school.

I’m not perfect.

Not even close!

I’m not better than you.

And I know I haven’t lived your life.

I don’t know your journey.

Don’t know your struggles.

So I would never judge you!

I would never condemn you!

You are a beautiful human being.

You are strong.

I acknowledge your intrinsic worth.

I’m being too aggressive.

This is all on me.

I’m completely out of line here.

This is TOTALLY my fault.

Please forgive me…

…your shoe is untied.

1 Reason

Apparently, Netflix is offering 13 Reasons to kill yourself.

That’s really going above and beyond.

Who needs that many reasons?

Nobody makes a list of pros and cons of suicide.

“I want to kill myself, but I’ve got a fridge full of left-over lasagna…”

No number of reasons makes killing yourself… reasonable.

You don’t need any reasons to be irrational.

All emotional crises are unplanned.

When you put a breakdown on the calendar…that’s called a ‘vacation’.

Netflix only needed one reason to create “13 Reasons”.


And the ratings are through the roof!

Congrats, Netflix!

The grand irony is…

…there aren’t even 13 reasons to watch “13 Reasons”.

There is only one.


It’s not useful for real life.

I’m sure this is true because it’s popular.

Most culturally popular things can be safely disregarded.

Because our culture is very good at finding wretched, vile, unholy things…

…and falling in love with them.

We equate fame with virtue.

We derive truth by consensus.

Our ethics are practiced when convenient.

So slowly we’ve siphoned our souls away.

Hope gets traded for despair.

Desperation makes for excellent television.

And it makes some people want to kill themselves.

No Funeral For A Dead Raccoon

I killed a raccoon last weekend.

Actually, the raccoon killed himself.

I was merely the instrument of suicide.

The varmint vamoosed across the road at exactly the right time.

Half a second sooner or later and there would be nothing to write about.

The timing was so precise it had to be intentional.

Perhaps the raccoon’s personal struggles finally broke him.

It was dark so I couldn’t see his face.

I couldn’t tell if he’d been crying.

(Plus, he was wearing a mask.)

Perhaps I’m wrong and it was totally accidental.

Perhaps it was just chance.

Evolution has not yet gifted raccoons with the ability to avoid speeding vehicles.

Nature used me and my car to remove some stupidity from the gene pool.

Science killed that critter!

After the incident, my wife asked, “Are you going to turn around and go see it?”


Two wheels and two bumpers at 50 miles an hour is a confirmed kill.

There is no reason to return to the scene.

And I remembered another story.

Two little kids were playing in the street when my mother drove past.

She stopped the car and got out.

She asked the kids where they lived.

She marched them up to the house, knocked on the door and talked to the adult that answered.

Back in the car, Mom told me those kids “were too little to play in the street by themselves”.

Mom wasn’t much for science.

Her humanity wouldn’t let ‘nature take its course’.

There are other forces at work in the universe besides nature.

If you don’t believe me…

…I can show you a dead raccoon.


Hail To The King!

On Resurrection Sunday it is appropriate to pay homage to the King!

An unsung patriarch who isn’t mentioned in the major historical references of his time period.

After his death, three centuries pass before he is mentioned.

A King who’s life is filled with legends and myths.

King Arthur.

Almost everybody believes Arthur existed despite the scant evidence confirming him.

Because believing in King Arthur is risk-free.

It’s appropriate to talk about another King today.

This king has a much harder time convincing people He lived.

Despite mountains of historical, scientific, and circumstantial evidence,

Jesus doesn’t even get credit for ever being alive.

Because Jesus is different from Arthur.

Jesus won’t allow neutrality.

The story of Jesus changes everything.

Jesus conquered death.

Jesus destroyed sin.

Jesus built a bridge to God.

Jesus explained the source of life itself.

Arthur supposedly pulled a magic sword from a stone.

Much simpler to believe.

No consequences for disbelief.

Centuries later, there are no ‘Arthurians’ gathering to worship.

But there are billions of Christians thanking God for resurrecting Jesus.


Because Jesus, like Arthur, really did live.

Like Arthur, He really did die.

Unlike Arthur, He lived again.

This is confirmed by multiple sources from the actual time of Jesus.

Confirmed by multiple non-Christian sources.

Confirmed by millions of changed lives.

Happy Easter!

Who Deserves The Wrath of God?

You gotta be pretty bad to upset God, right?

He’s not gonna pour out His wrath for minor offenses.

Just the big sinsWrat

Like murder.

And rape.

And attempted murder.

And some forms of assault.

Like child abuse.

And spouse abuse.

Including the emotional and psychological kind.

And human trafficking.

And animal abuse.

Or extreme cruelty to any living creature.

Actually, any kind of cruelty. Doesn’t need to be extreme.

Stealing is cruel.

Apathy is cruel.

Indifference to the plight of the poor is cruel.

So thoughtlessness deserves God’s wrath.

And if we’re going to say ‘thoughtlessness’, we should include greed too.

And prejudice.

And bigotry.

And hatefulness.

And lying.

And cheating.

And dishonesty.

And arrogance.

The answer to the question, “Why did Jesus need to die?” is…

…to save you from the ‘big sins’ you’ve committed.

That’s why this is ‘Good Friday’.

We Don’t Go Together Like Worms

God made man.

He told man, “This garden is yours! Go where you want!”

And the man said, “Thanks. I’m just gonna sit on this couch.”

So God decided it is not good for man to be alone.

Even though man really likes being alone.

God made man a companion.

A woman!

She said, “We’re not just gonna sit around on this couch! We’re going out!”

“Let’s go eat at that cute tree the snake told me about…”

Despite the differences, men and women are good together.

Man and Woman are necessary for creating more men and women.

A fact that is enormously inconvenient and inefficient.

Earthworms are both male and female.

It’s like God said, “It is not good for worm to be alone. I will make an exact copy.”

A narcissistic dream!

One worm asks, “How do I look?”

An appropriate response is, “Look at me.”

It seems like a more efficient system for procreating.

When a worm says, “Not tonight, I have a headache.”

The partner can say, “Okay. You can be the guy!”

There’s no reason humans should have evolved into two distinct sexes.

Except that God knew it would make things more interesting.

It’s not good for man to be alone.

But he doesn’t need another dude next to him on the couch.

Bible Time! Cover The Kid's Ears!


Christianity is true.

It isn’t necessarily ‘nice’.

It is almost never ‘safe’.

New Testament teaching is radical, uncomfortable and vulgar.

Understood properly, it will turn your stomach.

Sometimes, the gospel is completely inappropriate in a church setting.

Western Christians are a refined and cultured people.

Scripture is coarse and unpleasant.

So we’ve cleaned it up.

Sanitized it.

“…For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish…”

You can say ‘rubbish’ in any pulpit on any given Sunday.

You cannot say “shit”.

Though that’s what Paul said.

In comparison to Christ…

… our earthly accomplishments…

…our prestige…

…our piety…

…our education, ethics, and awards…


Imagine the uproar Paul would create with that sermon!


“I don’t appreciate that kind of language!”


We don’t appreciate that language.

Which begs the question, “Do we appreciate scripture?”

We don’t use words like that because we’re proper.


Saying ‘rubbish’ makes us righteous.



Which is bulls***.

Ask The Atheist – Should I Move?


1 Corinthians 9:22 compels me to become a godless nitwit under certain circumstances.

Like when atheists ask for advice from godless nitwits.

For example:

Atheist advice for housing

As an atheist, I must tell you that you’re a horrible ‘ex-Christian’.

Your question reeks of spiritualism.

If you don’t think God will give you the “desires of your heart”…

…why do you think the universe will?

Ha ha ha ha ha….!

Grow up.

You’re supposed to be rational, remember?

Also…your title, “Personal Stuff” is wrong.

There is no ‘person’.

You’re a sack of stardust.

Nothing special.

As an atheist, what do I do when I ‘really, really want something in my life’?

Take it.

That’s what you should do too.

Grab what you want and hit the road.

Just don’t get caught.

(But if you do get caught, the State will move you into a new living facility for free.)

Houses are very difficult to steal so here are the only other options we atheists have.

Option #1 – Quit Desiring Things

The “desires of your heart” are of no concern to the cosmos.

A new house for you isn’t part of evolution.

Boo hoo.

Get on with your life.

Desires are just chemistry in your brain.

They are illusions.

If you can’t quell your desires, then you have…

Option #2 – Drugs

Narcotics can effectively change your thinking.

Dope your brain into blissful oblivion.

Try alcohol too.

An addiction to heroin will replace your desire for a house.

Dope fiends don’t care where they live.

And if you’re still suffering from disappointment you can’t overcome…

Option #3 – Kill Yourself

No reason to prolong the agony of your living conditions.

End it all.

Somebody else would LOVE to occupy your current house.

You’ll be doing them a favor!

(Which is ultimately futile too.)

And that’s it.

A non-Christian answer to your inquiry.

There is no God.

Your house doesn’t matter.

Neither do you.

Christianity Doesn't Harm People


Sticks and stones may break my bones,

But Jesus never hurt me.

So save your accusations.

There are no ‘harmful consequences’ of the Christian faith.


You can stop crusading against the evils of Christianity.

There aren’t any.

Go slay some windmills instead.

Your gay friends have never been “wounded by the church”.

Baptists don’t toss homosexuals off the roof of their building.

Catholics don’t drag gay people around the parking lot.

Some Christian sects ordain gay ministers.

But not ALL Christians ordain gay ministers.

That’s called ‘disagreement’.

It’s not ‘harmful’ or ‘hateful’.

The belief that homosexuality is a sin doesn’t actually hurt homosexuals.

The belief that gender is determined by biology doesn’t actually hurt transexuals.

The belief that the President is despicable doesn’t actually hurt Donald Trump.

The belief that abortion is murder doesn’t actually hurt women.

(Abortion DOES hurt babies though…FYI.)

To summarize:

The Gospel of Jesus Christ does no harm.

In fact, Christian theology REDUCES harm and suffering.


Because Jesus is good, anyone following his commandments will do good by default.

“Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad and its fruit bad, for the tree is known by its fruit. You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil.” – Matthew 12:33