I am a family violence survivor.

It seems weird to me to say that, because my experiences don’t meet the stereotypical and horrific stories of constant physical or sexual abuse that come to mind when I hear the words “family violence’”.

I am hesitant to speak, lest someone tell me “that’s not really abuse”.

But tell me that anyway.

Look me in the eye and tell me I’m not abused.

Grow a spine if necessary.

As a minister, you’re supposed to expose lies.

Even those I’m telling to myself.

I am saying things like:

When passages like Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:18-19 or 1 Peter 3 1:7 come up, I am filled with dread, particularly if I don’t know you well enough to anticipate what you’re going to say. My heart starts to race, my breathing gets shallower, and I’m sitting on the edge of my seat. I go into “fight or flight” mode. In fact, my body, quite independently of me, is preparing to be abused and to defend itself against that. This is an involuntary response to past trauma. It has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with what I’ve been through…

I need you to tell me I’m wrong!

Remind me that the Bible shouldn’t fill Christians with dread.

Suggest that “fight or flight” mode is not the work of the Holy Spirit.

Tell me that I’m experiencing what previous generations called, ‘conviction’.

And when I say:

Repeated invalidation and dismissal was the first kind of abuse, and the most common for me. Everything else stems from that.  I spent my time during abuse begging to be heard… I was met with invalidation and dismissal, explicit and implied… Whether you realize it or not, your words and actions are a massive part of whether I feel safe in church.

If you care for me at all, you’ll shine a light here!

Tell me that invalidation might actually mean my fears are invalid.

Help me understand that being told I’m wrong is not abusive.

Insist that it would be good for me to think about someone else’s point of view.

In a multitude of counselors there is safety.

And when I say:

You don’t have to get it right every time. I’m working on my own stuff, and gradually overcoming it, as God heals me. I don’t expect you to get it right all the time, and I know that you’ll say and do things that will trigger me. I know that it probably won’t be your fault. I know you are not the one who abused me, and you are not responsible for my wounds and scars. At the end of the day, all I really need from you is to know is that you’re aware, and that you are willing to listen respectfully…

Please, don’t let me abuse you like this!

Please, tell me that I am a bully!

I’m so self-absorbed that I can’t hear what I’m saying.

Point out my hypocrisy!

If you don’t, who will?

My family can’t speak to me because they’ll just cause more pain.

I terrify them.

My friends agree with everything I say.

Dear minister, if you don’t tell me I’m a monster…

…I’m doomed.

So be bold!

Preach the truth!

And know that you’ve done the right thing…

…even though I’ll quit coming to church.


Hat tip to this blog for the original article which inspired this post.

You gonna keep lurking forever or are you gonna join this exclusive clique?
Stop procrastinating. Click This.

Leave a comment

6 Responses

  1. Hrm…

    I honestly cannot tell from your post if you are calling out the pastors, or the victims of patriarchal oppression.

    After extensive study, especially the moment I found out that the verse labeled Eph. 5:22 is not even IN our oldest existent manuscripts of Paul’s letter (but was added later), I accepted that the Lord is God of All…and the Bible … is a book. One can make it into a Golden Calf as easily as anything else.

    You would do well to put some actual study into this issue. I started out as a Muslim looking to *defend* any hierarchy between men and women to be found in Christian scripture…as a talking point/bridge between Christians and Muslims. By the time I was done studying Scripture, I was no longer able to *be* Muslim…but I was also able to *very* clearly see how some of the same evils to be found in Islam had made their way into Christianity.

    The Lord *loves* His daughters. He gave us *Christ* to be High Priest and King. There is no need for an additional hierarchy or chain of command. We were not created for chains.

  2. This hits so close to home. I am so saddened that those who used to be bold in their teaching have become wimps. In my 20’s I played the victim role very well. Thankfully, I had some bold lay ministers that set me straight. Most of them older gentleman that have since past away. Those that were younger and went with them to talk to me, now say they’ve changed, grown, evolved and won’t be so insensitive anymore and I want to cry. Don’t they understand that it was that “insensitivity” that saved my life? I’ve even tried to tell them that. By pointing out Biblical truth and what will happen if I continue to be disobedient, (even when I didn’t want to hear it at the time and complained about it) eventually brought me to the point of brokenness where Christ could heal me. I needed Truth, not platitudes and acceptance of my sins. Now the culture has won them over, and I have switched to a church that will still point out Biblical truth and obedience, along with God’s love. I weep for those who choose to accept all and coddle and “love” everyone exactly where they are and in doing so prove to them that they don’t really need a Savior, because God loves them just as they are, and it’s not their fault, and they don’t have to choose to obey. They can live their life in what ever way feels good to them because they are the victim and need to do what feels good to prove God loves them. I pray they will someday see the light and realize that they do need a Savior because they are sinners and they do need Truth, not the band-aid of acceptance.

    1. Thank you for sharing this story! Just when I start thinking I’m the only one with this perspective on my own suffering, I get to read something encouraging like this! I have to believe the people starting “support groups” and “ministries to the marginalized” have good intentions. I really think they do! But–I agree with you completely. They are misguided. And, ultimately, if I had been caught by one of those ministries when I Was in the midst of my own struggles, it would have severely limited the amount of healing and growth I have been able to achieve with the TRUTH that has set me free.

      1. Thank you. I almost didn’t hit “post comment” because I know my way of thinking is often considered “way out there” by many. But God has blessed me through my struggles. Grown me. And it wasn’t though being told to do whatever felt good. Or following societies norms. It was through learning what it was that God expected. Though learning His Word and allowing Him to help me live it. And knowing I’m a sinner and cannot do it on my own.

        1. I don’t know if you listen to the podcast, but you should! I think we’re going to talk about this more soon…

          It’s hard to explain in writing how you can feel simultaneously like, “I never want to suffer like that again,” and also, “it might be the best thing that ever happened to me.” 🙂

          But I get it! I really do!

Dive into the discussion...

Archives
Subscribe to Blog via Email

Get my blog in your inbox!

Follow

Get the latest posts delivered to your mailbox:

Your Cart