John Branyan
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Latest post from John's Comedy Sojourn

--- Never Say Sorry Again ---

WR - Dinner Theatre (MB)

I hate apologizing.

And you do too.

Admit it.

Or don’t.

No need to apologize.

Either way, I’ve got exciting news.

I’ve discovered a method to eradicate it.

I need never apologize to anyone.

Ever.

Here’s my method described in three words:

Have. Hurt. Feelings.

Here’s how it works.

You spill a 12 ounce soda into the seat of your friend’s car.

Your friend says, “Man!  That’s never gonna wash out! The seat is ruined!”

At this point, you softly reply, “You’re acting like I did it on purpose. That hurts my feelings.”

Prepare to be astonished.

Your friend will likely apologize to you!

Here’s another scenario:

You don’t pay your water bill for 6 months in a row.

The water company shuts off your water and…

People from the church pitch in to pay your bill for you.

One of the church people says, “You need to get a job and pay this bill yourself next time.”

You respond with, “You’re acting like I’m doing this on purpose! That hurts my feelings!”

With church people, you can also add this statement: “Christians should love, not judge!”

Notice how my technique also eliminates the need to say, “Thank you.”

Pretty slick, huh?

The technique can be used to help others as well.

Pretend you know somebody who believes it’s wrong to kill people.

This person, while sending a text message, runs his car off the road and hits a jogger.

Many people are upset with your friend, including the family of the jogger.

They say, “You shouldn’t have been distracted! You murdered our loved one!”

Encourage your friend to respond with:

“It was an accident! Calling me a murderer wounds me deeply!”

(‘Deep wounds’ are even more effective than ‘hurt feelings’)

The family of the dead jogger will probably not apologize.

They’ll be focused on their own loss.

They won’t have any sympathy or understanding for your friend.

So you’ll need to be there for him.

Say this to your friend:

“They’re not perfect either! They’ve made mistakes too!”

Again, if there are any Christians around, make sure you say this:

“Christians should love, not judge!”

So…

Have you used this technique before?

Has anyone used it on you?

Tell me about it in the comment section!

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