John Branyan
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Latest post from John's Comedy Sojourn

--- Violent Vittles ---

Before I decide to take this group’s message to heart…

I need to know what I’m letting myself in for.

There are 50 billion eggs produced in the United States.

If just half of those eggs hatch,

that’s 25 billion chickens (or ‘Snows’ if you prefer).

If the 316 million people in America are willing to adopt these creatures,

Each will become the guardian (parent?) of 79 baby birds.

But Americans are a heartless bunch.

Selfish specieists.

There won’t be 100% participation in the adoption program.

There will be self-centered excuses.

“Animals are forbidden in my apartment…”

“I’m allergic to feathers…”

“My Rottweiler will eat them…”

“My husband will eat them…”

So it will be up to me and the other zealots to take up the slack.

If there are 50 such fanatics living in every state

…and that may be (I hope) an overestimation…

That yields a mere 2500 households willing to adopt the orphan birds.

Which calculates to about 10 million chickens per household.

That’s a lot of ‘Snow’.

A poultry blizzard.

Much as I’d like to help,

I don’t think I can properly care for that many chickens.

Goldfish die from neglect at my house.

And there are usually only 2 or 3 of them.

But I’ll do what I can.

I’m having an omelette for breakfast.